Dry January is for dry bitches.

Well, so I used to think. But maybe I’m getting old, or maybe (read: probably) just drinking more than the average person is supposed to, but I just can’t hack the hangovers no more. So, yeah, like totally giving up drink for January. OBVS not giving up men though. As talking of dry, my sex life was arid AF. My gooch was like the fucking Saraha. Seriously, I thought I found grey hairs on my balls, but it was just cobwebs.

Anyway, the alcohol cabinet may be dry, but the willy is getting wet. Although, what I’d kinda forgotten was that the two tend to go hand-in-hand. It’s not like I can’t have sober sex, I just prefer to be absolutely gattered. So after a fortnight without booze, and embarking on my first date of the year, I decided it was better to jump off the wagon than fall off it; time to get drenched in Tequila (and potentially bodily fluids).

We’d arranged to meet at a bar in central, before going on to a store launch on King’s Road, Chelsea. We’d been chatting on Tinder for a couple weeks now, so I was fairly settled in the fact that even if we didn’t have sexual chemistry, at least we’d have some bants. He was a cute, reserved, teacher-type. You know the kind I mean. Them ones you look at and already have a sixth sense that you’re gonna be straight back to wanking three times a day, because you’d eat them alive. I wonder if I could reign it in long enough to make it rain (semen).

Naturally I’d already had a pint and a shot just to settle the pre-date jitters. Standard. Then I moved on to spirits when he arrived, because it ain’t about have a gassy beer belly when you could be naked in a few hours. When we arrived at the store launch, there was so much pretention they could’ve served it on the crackers with the caviar. I wanted to fit in, so contemplated picking one up as if shoving it down my throat as naturally as a chicken leg from Morley’s. But honestly, I don’t think my palette was sophisticated enough for that. And spraying fish eggs all over a bunch of Made In Chelsea wannabes, doesn’t have as much appeal on a first date as it does when you’re getting white girl wasted with your wingmen.

So I stuck to the open bar. Hey, least I had one thing in common with these socialites; cocktails and champagne.

Stumbling into the Uber, I knew full well I was more mash up than a piñata at the end of Cinco de Mayo.

Obviously, I wake up in his bed, with a stampede of elephants doing the cha-cha slide on my head. At this point, I’m fairly certain we had sex, but seen as I don’t remember it, it doesn’t count either way. And then I remembered I’d invited him out that night with two of my best mates, and their boyfriends. As the day progressed, I’d decided that I was more partial to the idea of being a fifth wheel, than spending another night with a guy who wasn’t right for me.

He needed somebody more… average. And honey, I may be a lot of things, but I’m certainly not average. He needed a boy that worked for the council, not one that blogged about blowjobs and buttholes. A boy that had a closet full of Burton shirts and wooden jewellery; not one who’s was full of stories about k-holes and clubbing. A boy that didn’t care about the fit of his jeans, or the way he did his hair. Not one that would think, you’ve got them big nostrils and you don’t even get high. We were chalk and cheese. Coffee and cocaine.

I wanted to cancel. I’m just not sure I could bring myself, to text him “you’re really sweet, but I’m not done hoe-ing”. So I opted for the other totally irrational option; behave so horrifically that he wouldn’t wanna see me again. Cut to me slurring and shouting about every shameless story I could extract from my memory bank.

“OH MA GAWD, RYAN, DO YOU REMEMBAH THAT TIME I WENT UNDER IN A WIG AND SOMEBODY PUT THE VIDEO ON THE INTERNET?”

I may have knocked my partying days on the head a bit, but if there was one thing I knew how to do – it was repel a man. At which point he mumbled something about saying hi to his friends and walked away. Disappearing into the drunken haze that is the Two Brewers. Never to be seen again.

I’d have liked us to stay friends, but I don’t think he could handle that either. And I do feel kinda stupid that I’d resorted to a childish game, instead of discussing that we weren’t right for each other, like an adult. Meh, coulda, woulda, shoulda.

My boyfriend is moving out of his apartment to live with a friend of his. They met through grindr, he’s single, but they haven’t done anything together. (As far as I know). When I told him I was a little uncomfortable with the situation because I don’t know him as much, he said “Relax, and stop overthinking the situation.” I am moving in to a place with a friend as well and he said: “I barely know you’re friend that you’re moving in with. Its the same situation.”

But the thing is my friend is straight, not gay. I had someone cheat on me in the past and its just fucked everything up in my head and for relationships in general. Do I just trust until its broken or am I being an idiot for feeling this way? I feel like a jealous child right now.

We’ve been together for 8 months, but they’ve been friends for a year. And I told him, I’d like to hang out with him more. I’m just a little pissed about the situation. Its not that I don’t trust him, but with the two of them together, they get to share something I don’t get to. They get to eat together, watch tv together, see each other when they get home from work.

And when I come over, I’ll just be a guest in their house. It naturally creeps me out. And all he’s saying right now is: “I love you more than anything, but you need to get over it. I’m tired of living alone. We can’t move in together yet, because we’re not there yet (I agree) and you just need to trust him.” Its just, he’s single, they’ll be alone a lot together, the chance of something happening and not telling me is just a little too high for comfort.

Hi insecure,

You’re right to feel uneasy. You have better chance of getting in a tank of piranhas and trusting them not to eat you, than you would trusting a boyfriend not to cheat. But you state “as far as [you] know”, they haven’t fucked/fiddled/fumbled. To what extent is your knowledge? If you’re basing on the fact that your boyfriend hasn’t openly told you, then truthfully they probably hooked-up, realised they were both bottoms, and became ‘friends’. Which, offers some good news, and some bad news.

The good news, is that if they were going to hook-up and be together, why weren’t they already? But the bad news is, that if they have played around, there’s always the possibility of it happening again. So let’s just ask what everyone is thinking, is he hot? Is the roommate bangable? Would you do him after five dark rums on a cold winter evening? Also, how attractive is your man? Is this Grindr queen likely to slip a surprise through the bottom of the popcorn box while watching Love Actually?

I have to point out though, your bloke telling you to “relax” and “get over it”, suggests that he’s either quite insensitive to the situation that he’s put you in, or that you’re constantly whinging about it to him. But I’m guessing the latter because as you feel like a jealous child, you’re probably acting like one. You sound a little Single, White Female, running your gums about the moments they’ll share and you won’t. What you wanna wipe his arse too? Get in sea and calm down, girl. He’s going to eat and watch TV with whoever he shares a flat with.

Give him some air. Don’t you get that living with your man is when it all goes downhill? Flatulence. Nail clippings in the bath. His washing up in the sink for a fortnight. And while I’m sure, you’re happy to go from mandem to maid, so you can keep a beady eye on him, but that’s no way of life sister-friend.

You can’t share a flat with him (yet), so you don’t want anyone else to. Simples. Take your boyfriend’s advice and get over it. I don’t care how you get there; sashay, mince, take a damn Uber, but just get over that jealousy before he dumps you because your hiding in the rubbish skip on the other side of the street with night-vision goggles and a turkey sandwich to get you through ’til morning.  Or at least the pretend to get over it. You need some lessons in ‘hiding the crazy’; it’s all about snooping, and pretending you’re fine with the arrangement while subtly monitoring their every interaction.

Your ex has clearly left you with trust issues, as you obviously don’t trust your man. Give him a chance, he might surprise you. And if you catch them in bed together, then set that pretty little house they share on fire. With them both inside.

Good luck! Xoxo

Geordie (Shore) lad Scotty T is certainly no stranger to getting his bits out. And while Tiffany already got an ogle and grab the last time he was drunk and showering, last night was a repeat performance. And looks like Miss New York had reason to gasp. Only showing scenes of (decent) nudity from afar, Channel 5 are really making you work for that cock shot. Well not you, but whoever it is on the internet that makes these.

TOWIE star Dan Osborne was destined for at least another six Attitude covers – but then he got Jacqueline up the duff. But hey, it’s not like we haven’t wanted to see the goods, still. Well the alleged pics show him Snapchatting whoever this chick is, with the matching tattoo above his D. Don’t even ask us about that ice cream one… Like, if you want me lips around your knob why would you cover it in calories?

DAMN! Who cares if he’s got no superpowers with a body that the Greek Gods would envy… Henry Cavill uploaded the pic to his IG, with the caption, #progress. Mhmm, why don’t you progess yo’ fine self into my bed, hun. We always thought ‘tits and teeth’ was the recipe for a win, but apparently it’s lats and fur.

*FANS SELF*

We love a sexy (and NSFW) photo shoot, this one’s another courtesy of our friends over at Accidental Bear; photographed by Alisson Marks, Andrea Serra remind us just how sexy long johns can be — especially when they’re around your ankles. Consider our appetite for the traditional under garms officially whet. And check out those low swingers *giggle*.

Remember love heart sweets from the 90s? Of course you do, thinking of your crush in your head, and then taking out the next sweet which would define your relationship with them like a fortune cookie. Well, these tees have been given a modern – if not a more realistic – spin. Still not bagged a man? Honey, romance is so 2012. This year is all about embracing the age of Grindr, accepting that you’re not chained down, and flirting ’til your fucking lashes fall off.

ENTER THE STORE (for full range of colours/slogans)

Queen B is at it again. Dropping singles and accompanying videos overnight. Naturally the internet is losing it’s shit. Because it’s just so fierce. And totally not anything like all the singles on that last surprise album she dropped. Are we the only ones yawing? The video may be slick, edgy and aesthetically sick, but the jam is no different. Hun, you’ve done the the “bow down bitches” shit already. You’re rich, powerful and on top — we get it. Where’s the endearing B we originally fell in love with? Drop that lip curl and that snoozy beat with the chat overlaid.

But we have only listened once… Maybe it’s a grower. But probably not.

Tom Hardy. The name that sends a quiver down the loins of even the straightest of men. The Sun newspaper papped the rugged actor on set of his new film Taboo, where he was skinny dipping in the cold waters of Essex. Unfortunately the uncensored nudes haven’t leaked… YET. But best believe us, we’ll get them for you! 

We’re fully supportive of the dick pic leak movement; and it doesn’t mater whether they’re an A-list actor, or just an Instafamous stud. Let’s be real, it’s not like the Itallian stallion wears clothes that often anyway, but if you’ve ever wanted to see him in his full glory, then we got you. As AntiTwink rightly state; “I don’t exactly know what he does (model? actor? fitness trainer?) but I don’t necessarily care”, but that doesn’t stop Daniele and his equally hot boyfriend having over 300k followers (EACH), here’s why:

CLICK HERE FOR THE X-RATED SNAPS

[H/T: AntiTwink]

Naturally when we heard that NBC were planning a Cruel Intentions TV series our jaws hit the deck. How will that work? Will it take into consideration the seuqels? (Please God no), but most importantly, will the original cast star?

We previously informed you how the show’s plotline:

Cruel Intentions picks up over 15 years after the hit movie left off. It follows the beautiful and cunning Kathryn Merteuil as she vies for control of Valmont International as well as the soul of Bash Casey, the son of her brother, who was the late Sebastian Valmont, and Annette Hargrove.

Now Deadpool reports that SMG is in talks to reprise her role as the ultimate bitch of the silver screen. Well, perhaps she could use a break from baking cakes with Freddie Prinze Jnr. and yelling at the servants (though that is so something Kathryn would do). Might have to get dye on those roots girl, could you imagine nanny Merteuil sniffing coke and grasping at Bash’s fortune with one hand still on the zimmerframe:

Do allow that, NBC. Jokes aside though, we really do hope she takes the opportunity (and ditches the cookbooks), with Witherspoon. It’s a shame Phillipe died, but perhaps there could be a lifestyle nude portrait of him in the upper east side apartment? Just a suggestion…

My husband and I have lived in our quiet suburban Denver neighborhood for six years.

About two years ago two young gay men moved in across the street. They’ve taken the ugliest, most run-down property in the neighborhood and remodeled it into the pride of the street. When it snows, they shovel out my car and are friendly, yet they mostly keep to themselves.

Last month I went out to retrieve my newspaper and watched them kiss goodbye as they left for work. I was appalled that they would do something like that in plain view of everyone. I was so disturbed that I spoke to my pastor. He encouraged me to draft a letter telling them how much we appreciate their help but asking them to refrain from that behavior in our neighborhood. I did so and asked a few neighbors to sign.

Since I delivered it, I’ve not been able to get them to even engage me in conversation. I offer greetings but they’ve chosen to ignore me. They have made it so uncomfortable for the other neighbors and me by not even acknowledging our presence.

How would you suggest we open communications with them and explain to them that we value their contributions to the neighborhood but will not tolerate watching unnatural and disturbing behavior? 

Dear disturbed dickwipe, 

Why were you so appalled? Is kissing seen as a crude act rather than a gesture of love? Girl, you lucky you don’t live opposite me; when we have a chill out there’s people fucking on the astroturf. I assume because you are so outraged that you would never kiss your husband in public either? Or is it just two men kissing that is bothering you? You were perfectly happy having a couple of queers shovel your driveway, but not openly express their gratitude for one another. 

It’s interesting that you chose to ask your pastor for advice on this “disturbing” issue, considering he’s probably fingered most of the underage boys that attend his sermons. Having now drafted your opinionated letter, I’d not be surprised should you receive one regarding your hideous old-fashioned attitudes (not to mention those ill-fitting floral blouses).

The fact that you have then recruited your fellow ignorant neighbors to get in on the act is remnant of bully behaviour. But I’m sure you would understand, if everybody protested to a woman kissing her husband.  

Bless your bone idol skull; expecting a response after delivering what can only be described as a truly offensive request. Hun, you drop something like that in my mailbox and you could expect a steaming turd in yours. ‘Bout wanting the time of day from these “friendly” gays… I wouldn’t even piss on your closed-minded ass if it was on fire. 

I can only presume two possible reason behind your reaction; ignorance and jealousy. Perhaps you’re subconsciously infuriated because they are in a happy and proud relationship, while your pencil dick husband fucks you unenthusiastically in the missionary position for four minutes. As for them making it awkward, no dear, that was you. 

Maybe if you’d have befriended the gays, popped over for cocktails and cocktalk, baked them a quiche, they could’ve helped you out of this miserable life you lead, and into a loving and happy relationship. But as you “will not tolerate” it, it seems you’re beyond that point. There’s no law suggesting that two men can’t kiss on the driveway of their own home, so I suggest you move on. Or at least move house. 

Yes, it’s another article about Beyoncé, her single Formation, the Super Bowl and black power. 

It’s very fair to say that I’m opinionated. But along with that, I’m also the first person to hold up my hands and admit when I am wrong. Right now, is one of those times. If I’m totally honest, my interpretation of Formation was totally off. I just knew Bey had dropped another surprise single over night and everyone was going mad for it. But why? I’ve already expressed my original thoughts on the tune; and I stand by them. Well some of them; and aurally, I don’t like it. As it does sound like the stuff on her last album, that I didn’t like either. 

But what must be applauded is why she’s doing this. Everyone with the internet or a Facebook account now knows the message of Black Empowerment behind the song. There’s been a lot on my social media accounts recently from black friends, supporting the opposition of racism in mainstream media. But many white people feel uncomfortable in this discussion, can’t see their point of view, or believe they are playing the race card. 

While it has to be said, that we’ve all (white, black and every other race), become too PC in recent years (let’s not start on the Michael Jackson debate), not enough white people are pausing to question why black people are so passionate about it. Well, it’s the same reason Beyoncé is passionate about it; to correct the wrongs that are still place against black lives. 

It’s common for us to have the mindset; if we can’t see it, it isn’t happening. And while we may not be witnessing direct racism in our daily lives, it does still occur, and especially in backwards parts of America. Beyoncé is standing up for people that don’t have a voice yet; and that’s nothing short of admiral. Just because we live in a society where gay people can (mostly) walk down the street without prejudice, doesn’t mean that everyone else is as lucky. And the same can be said for black people. Just because we are OK, doesn’t mean we should stop fighting for those who aren’t. 

But not only that, Beyoncé is telling stories that she believes need to be told. Just because they happened in the past, doesn’t mean they are irrelevant now. I happily celebrate Pride every year, because I’m proud of who I am. And while we commemorate those black figures who changed the world in Black History month, that doesn’t mean the fight is over; especially not if she feels like there are things left unsaid. 

Though I believe it’s fair to say that many white people feel uneasy with collective terms like “all [you] white people”. As they believe it voices the view that all white people are racist. Or that all white people believe they are superior to black people. One thing that has been said a number of times that rings true, is that nobody can tell you when you are offended. And that is true for everybody, of all races. 

I’m fully supportive of Beyoncé’s message – black empowerment – because I believe in equality and supporting your beliefs. Clearly there are still attitudes in the world that need to be changed, but many of them don’t belong to racists at all; just white people who aren’t truly listening to what is being said, because they don’t see what others see, and certainly don’t know how black people feel. 

Black Empowerment isn’t revenge for what white people put them through, it’s an equality campaign for the parts of our society that still aren’t quite fixed yet, sticking two fingers up to the people that do see black people as an inferior race, and celebrating overcoming their hardships (including that near fall).  

The nation’s crush George Shelley – former Union J member and twink of the Celebrity jungle – may not have been able to stay in the closet any longer, but it seems his knob couldn’t stay in his pants either! Saucy snapchats reportedly belonging to the singer have surface online, much to the internets pleasure…

Comments below!

CLICK HERE FOR THE BONER-FIED SNAPS!

Between tops, bottoms, H&H, Masc4masc, gay people may as well have their own dictionary. So we’ve devised a completely accurate decoding of what they all mean; the brutal truth behind the slang. 

We’ve been slightly obsessed with the ANTM champ; and we’re sure you see why. The first deaf contestant continues to inspire on the cover of this month’s DNA magazine; and not just with his career — but check out that body. Self-proclaimed sexually fluid Nyle DiMarco, models skimpy briefs by teamm8 and Calvin Klein (salute to the Aussie gay rag) and doesn’t he do that shit well?

[H/T: Homorazzi]

We made you a promise, and we kept it!

Sex therapists are stating that if putting things up your bum hadn’t been dubbed a gay past time that lots more straight men would be at it, the Gay Star News reports. A recent study has unveiled that more straight men than you’d think are using dildos, vibrators, butt plugs, beads and probably any other household item that is phallically shaped to get themselves off.

Allison Krisbaum surveyed hundreds of men about their masturbation habits (past, included), finding that 24% (gay and straight) had inserted something up their poop chute during a randy five knuckle shuffle. 66.4% had “rubbed their genitals on a surface”… Can we have questions about this one please? As in like a pillow? Or like, their dining table? As I’m never going to a dinner party ever again, if so.

Kian De La Cour – a certified sexologist bodyworker (whatever the fuck that is) – claims that so many men know their G-spot is in their arse, so are giving it a try, something that is less daunting to do on your own than with another person… Right, Kanye? Apparently sexual fluidity dates back to the 50s, but men just be lying about it. Totes possible.

Kian goes on to reiterate what plenty of these studies are suggesting, and that is that sexuality is not a unified entity, but rather that it is something much more complex with a number of different levels. The study proves why most “straight” guys are the quickest ones to spread their cheeks when they do get with a guy.

Ryan Reynolds has confirmed that he will be going full-frontal in the new Deadpool movie; As if his pretty face and buff body wasn’t reason enough to go and catch the flick. In fact, the scenes have already been shot and his cock looks “perfect” — apparently. We’ll be the judge of that babe. We have been thirsty for it since the Amityville Horror after all. In a fight scene where Reynolds is totally starkers, an Oscar-winning make-up artist took took his hand to the actor’s manhood… Career goals, hun.

Here’s his quote from Entertainment Weekly:

“The only way to do that is just do it,” the actor told People and EW editorial director Jess Cagle in an interview on EW Radio. “We had a little talk with the crew at the beginning of the day and just said, ‘You’re going to see parts of the dance floor here that you weren’t ready for. I’m sorry in advance, but we’re all in this together.’”

Strictly speaking, Reynolds was partly covered up by makeup, as his antihero character has scars over his entire body. But that took its own toll, he said, including “eight hours of prosthetic makeup in places that no man needs to be there with a paintbrush.”

Fortunately, Reynolds added, “We had Bill Corso, who’s this incredible Oscar-winning makeup artist …. He’s a genius, and he made my penis look perfect.”

[H/T: Instinct / EW]

After coming across these images of JT — nicknamed Justin trousersnake — gives us a glimpse of what that might look like. We’ve been debating whether or not this is a photoshop job, but our experts are saying that it doesn’t appear to be… So take that as you will! But would JT be so silly with his willy in public?

CLICK HERE FOR THE UNCENSORED PEEN