Sometimes the only thing giving you life on the way to work is the newpaper read on the way there. But imagine opening up your Metro to see a cock-takeover. Between rush hour commuting and actually going to work itself, weekdays can be reasonably bleak. But sometimes all you need to make you smile, is a prolific biro drawing on on a daily tabloid. How is it that these detailed sketches on otherwise boring images can provide us with such humour? Who fucking cares, check them out below:

1. The guy that put the cock in cocktail

2. The children that first hand experience Free Willy

3. When Obama made a ballsy move in the White House 

4. When Camilla got her hands on the crown jewels

5. This politician who got a little blind sighted

6. Or this swimmers spunk 

7. The kitten with a lot to give

8. Or the two rugby players that seriously scored

9. The meat Aussies use on their BBQ

10. How Kim Kardashian feels when she hears Kanye’s voice

11. The chef’s surprise dish

12. Hanna Schlong-Tanna 

13. The golfer that got stuck carrying the balls

14. Steve Commando’s Dick Blitz

15. These footballers unconventional celebration

16. This runner being peensued 

17. Putin’s weapon of mass destruction

18. James Franco’s excitement over the release of The Interview

19. This goal

20. This battle of the giant (schlongs)

21. Cockzilla

22. Finally, this pussies afternoon nap

[Images: @NewspaperDickz / Twitter] 

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Rumours are abuzz that Friends star Jennifer Aniston will star in a sequel/similar title to Mean Girls, where newbie to the neighbourhood Jen An struggles to bond with her fellow suburban housewives who still behave like high school brats.

The mocked up image above shows what the film might look like when the cast is finalised (with only Aniston confirmed at the moment). If this line-up was real, Jennifer would be channeling Rachel Green before morphing into her sassy Horrible Bosses character, Dr. Julia. Cameron Diaz would be channeling the bitch she played in Bad Teacher. And Sandra Bullock, would, erm… also be there. Like really?! Whoever mocked this up seriously couldn’t think of a more-suited actress for this film? How ’bout Courtney Cox channelling Gail Weathers? Or Jane Lynch as a pushy lesbian mum? Or Eva Longoria as herself?

But having also heard rumours that the movies budget was cut, we’re left wondering if it will really be the God send the world hopes it to be. ‘Cause I mean, please, let’s not talk about GBF. If that waste of time proved anything, it’s that a budget-remake will just not cut it.

Mean Girls is a modern high-school classic, so when you pay homage to that, you better do it right. Considering it’s another adaptation of another Rosalind Wiseman novel, we’re hoping the scripting will be as on point as the first. But casting and direction are still fairly ambiguous.
As GBF proved, you can throw in a few familiar and that won’t save your flop of a film. It really needs to be a primarily unknown cast (as with Mean Girls), or an all-star cast to work. Because if the acting doesn’t nail it, not only have we just wasted a couple hours we won’t get back, but Hollywood has just tarnished the name of one of our favourite films. Because, who didn’t want to butcher the writers of Cruel Intentions 2 the way they butchered the brand of the best teen movie of the 90s?

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Whether it’s Monday martinis to ease yourself into the week, or Woo Woo Wednesdays for the midweek blues there’s always time for cocktails and cocktalk. It’s not just the name of a fabulous blog, you know – it’s the secret to a fabulous lifestyle. And thanks to the new Cocktail Card, you can visit venues all over London and get trollied for half the cost. Just because you’re not on the wage of a lady of leisure doesn’t mean you can’t blag the social life of one. It’s something we call ‘budget glam’, that gays tend to practise in abundance.

It’s also the perfect excuse to branch out on the bars you’re visiting, and to add a little something extra to your dating life. Sure, you can always meet your date outside Jersey Boys before getting sloshed in Soho – because you know, that’s so original. Or you could meet at a bouji cocktail bar, and actually have a conversation with your date without bumping into a plethora of scene queens.

Our personal advice: Download the App that tells you where the nearest bars who accept your card are (yes, it’s Grindr for Cosmos) and do a WAG-style bar crawl.

The Cocktail Card is every sassy bitch’s new accessory. At £30 a year, we’ll probably save hundreds of pounds of booze.

Get yours HERE.

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It’s strange the questions that come into one’s head after a suicide spliff. I mean, so I’m told. Like, how big is space? Or, if Cinderella’s shoe fit perfectly, how did it fall off? And after spending hours pondering those, I somehow came to ask myself; what would my life look like if I died tomorrow?

You must have looked back generally at your life as a whole; eventful, isn’t it? But what about your sex life? While your autobiography may make for a fascinating piece of writing (or so you think, anyway), how would your sex life read? Would it be a steamy 50 Shades of shagging novel filled with hot lovers and passionate sex? Or is it more of a joke book where the one-nighters are as tragic as the one-liners? More clowns up in your history than Cirque De Soleil.

Can you recall the number of times you’ve had mind-blowing sex on one hand? Yeah, most can. Because to be fair, gay sex is usually quite awkward. Sometimes they have an off day, sometimes you do. Sometimes it isn’t quite what you hoped it would be. Sometimes it’s messy. Sometimes you’re into different things. Sometimes you’re too drunk. Sometimes you’re not drunk enough. Everybody has completely different turn-ons and without knowing that person, for you to get things just right would be reasonably lucky.  Which is why your first time having sex with someone can usually make or break what happens after that.

So as I thought about the mistakes from my teenage years, to the even bigger mistakes in my 20s, I couldn’t help but laugh. Loudly. Spraying my entire bedroom floor with Weetabix. Leaking fibre from my nostrils. But how could I not? It really is quite hilarious. An act that is deemed so personal, intimate and important has realistically, been less than satisfying most of the time. You expect to think, well you know what, if The One comes along tomorrow, it would be fine because you’ve had your fun. But in actual fact, the reality is so far-removed it gave me more jokes than Madonna’s tumble.

Has yours been the picture-perfect catalogue you’d hope for, or is it – between the cringe-worthy Grindr hook ups, saunas, fetish freaks, holiday failures and random mishaps – funnier than you’d care to admit?

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We were taken back last month when a wee Mexican señorita was arrested for muff-fiddling in the middle of a cinema showing 50 Shades of Strumming Grey, but if you thought some woman drilling for oil in public was a shock; meet Jared Kreft, the 30-year-old who has been charged with carrying weed and performing fellatio on a horse. HAY GURL! Damn, some people will do whatever they can to get a big dick.

Not even like he can say he was off his nut and can say he thought he was fooling around with some horse-faced hoe in a field, because they Katie Hopkins hasn’t left the country. And because he was smoking weed! Not crack, nor heroin. Weed. Who lights up a blunt and thinks yeah man, I’m so stoned, I got the munchies for a pony’s baloney. Honey if you’re gonna chill with horses at least dose up on ketamine.

Kreft was caught in the barn with a marijuana pipe and a jar of vaseline. I’m done. Where was mans going with the tub of vaseline? If that’s all you’re using to get fucked by a horse, his bowels must be in worse state than Mariah’s husky throat. Apparently he was wearing a face mask and wind pants with holes cut out of the crotch and arse areas. Wow, he really wasn’t horsing around. The way he cut holes in them like he was spending an evening at The Hoist or some fetish night.

We’re not sure what’s funnier, the image of this man standing in a barn with his knob hanging out of his custom wind breaker pants, or the thought of him being hospitalised because he only brought a tub of vaseline. Oh the shame. Not only are into some sucky-fucky with stable schlong, but you’ve also got atrocious fashion sense and a baggy hoop. Scarlet. I mean, it’s bad enough getting your knees dirty as it is, but allow crouching in manure.

But hey, that’s Wisconsin for ya!

Kreft had already admitted to police that he was watching horse porn, before he blew and tugged one off in this incident. And is now being held on $2,000 bail. The judge will make a decision tomorrow.

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Can I get a YAASS up in here?! Ciara is BACK and our girl has totally transformed. The latest track I Bet is a stunning slow jam that shows us a more emotional side of the singer. We’re gagging over this stripped down sound, and don’t even get us started on the new look. The next time we do drag we wanna be Ciara. We loved Ciara and her ghetto wardrobe (circa 1, 2 Step) but this sexy, simplistic styling is definitely working for her. And that hair though! She’s giving me long, black, ratchet locks like Katie Price in Ibiza.

And even though she’s werking naive ballerina, bitch still throwing shade, “I upgraded YOU”. #Owned.

Whether you rate her or not, this look just took a shit all over your fave.

The post Wow. Ciara Slays In New Music Video For ‘I Bet’ appeared first on Cocktails & Cocktalk.

It’s official, between Justin Bieber’s decision to grow up and the realisations about dating on the club scene; 2015 is the year of the gentleman. Here’s a few reasons why you’re better off dating a man for how he treats you above anything else…

He respects you

One of the best ways to find out if – or how much – you like a guy is to hold out from having sex right away. Obviously, you have to be sexually attracted to him in the first place, otherwise we’d be fucking every guy that holds open the door for us. I know, OMG, is the trashy blogger turning into Sister Mary padlock fanny? No, obviously not. But a gentleman won’t rush you into something that you’re not 100% sure about.

And after realising that sex with people you’re not in a committed relationship with isn’t all it’s cracked up to be, and racking your brains as to why guys don’t ever follow up after you’ve smashed, there’s no hurting in being more cautious with the guys you’re sleeping with; if you’re looking for more than 30 seconds of pleasure, and an eye-rolling anecdote to tell your friends about, that is.

When a guy respects you, you know he’ll never raise a hand to you no matter how heated your arguments, and doesn’t bad-mouth you like a classless Essex wotsit.

He values you

Following on from the first point, he’ll have no problem waiting to get bollock naked and dirty, because he’s not just after sex with you. A gentleman is happy to court, like this fucked up promiscuous world is an old school black and white film. Bout wanna come round for a bottle of rosé and a blow job?

He’s direct and honest

Little boys like to spin big blags to impress you, I mean, are we really supposed to believe that . Sit down. A gentleman doesn’t need to do that. Cowardly kids don’t reply to your messages, and avoids awkward conversations. If he’s a real man he’ll confront any problems you have head-on, be honest about his feelings and give you answers that he may not want to.

He doesn’t play games

Carrying on from before, being honest means that he won’t blow hot and cold with you. Listen, boys that play games are quite simply head-fucks. Sure, he’ll probably keep you on your toes, but you’ll be totally Amanda Bynes-ed. TIRED. And emotionally messed up.

A gentleman can keep you excited without tugging your strings like some obedient puppet.

He makes an effort

You can spot the difference between a real man and a boy simply by the amount of effort he makes with you. No, we’re not chatting bout “What u up 2” texts or inviting you to his birthday drinks via Facebook. How that classes as effort these days is more tragic than Kim K using her fanny to break the internet.

We’re talking about him going out of his way just so he can see you for an hour or booking things he knows you want to do. Because ultimately, he wants to impress you. And that doesn’t necessarily mean that he showers you with expensive gifts, but rather that he goes the extra mile than any next man you meet in a bar. When was the last time a guy ordered a taxi to pick you up for your date?

He’s interested in your life

From reading your blog posts when he’s probably never read a book in his life, to getting along with your mates. When someone’s you’re priority, you understand what’s important to them and enjoy understanding what makes them happy. Unless you work in data entry and your mates are duller than dick wipes – ain’t nobody wanna hear bout that.

He trusts you

A lack of trust is a huge sign of immaturity and insecurity. You think a gentleman gonna be going down your phone in the middle of the night or giving you the third degree about going for drinks with your gays. Because a gentleman has his own life as well, he’s quite happy to let you get on with yours, while keeping you a priority in his.

He supports you

A gentleman is mature enough to be impressed by your dreams, not intimidated by them. He should always want you to do as well as you possibly can, and you need your partner’s backing to get you there. If he doesn’t, not only does it mean he doesn’t believe in you, but the chances are he’s controlling. Raincheck! If we wanted to date controlling men, we’d have given our number to Chris Brown when he asked.

The post How To… Tell If You’re Dating A Gentleman (And Not A Boy) appeared first on Cocktails & Cocktalk.

This should perky your day up a little! OH, speaking of perky – check out these bootylicious boys that got a whole lot of moves, and a whole lotta junk in the trunk. Because you know we’ve been all about the slow-motion nakedness, recently:

This next one is apparently “straight guy twerk”. Of course he is. And Selma Hayek’s my sister. Trust, anybody that can make it clap this good is as straight as a Curly Wurly. Besides, how would a guy even know he could do that unless he’s down Sink The Pink every weekend in their Miley Cyrus drag?

This one’s trying to pretend he’s straight too with that backward snapback. We don’t really care as long as he sits on our face.

[H/T: AntiTwink]

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This is the first we’ve heard of Brent Ray Fraser, but with such mesmerising talent, we’re surprised why. The “artist”/nudist hikes up a picturesque cliff before setting down his easel and using his instrument to paint something his mother would be truly proud of. We can’t decide if we’re more bowled over by his creativity or his sense of outdoorsmanship We also kind torn between OMG and WTF… OK, we’ve settled on erotically random.

https://vimeo.com/101279138

Wonder if he does home jobs… Come to think of it, our hallways could use a lick of paint…

[H/T: Gaily Grind]

The post Hot Naked Guy Painting With Penis Is Really Kind Of Arousing [NSFW] appeared first on Cocktails & Cocktalk.

The Standard reports that police are investigating another incident where somebody has died in Waterloo-based sauna, Pleasuredrome. A couple weeks ago, we brought up the topic as the whether or not saunas should be closed down. Naturally, opinions are divided between those that think the outdated tradition has no place in modern society, and is not only a dangerous establishment for our community, but that it sets back gay culture for years. Others, feel that everyone shouldn’t be punished for the individuals mistakes, and that patrons engaging in drug-related behaviour are safer in saunas than at sex parties… Obviously not.

The death is being treated as “unexplained”. Oh, is GBL overdose not a reason now? Funnily enough, people don’t just drop dead for no reason. Is that how serious the drug problem is in London, that even police are unaware of the epidemic? Police were called at approximately 3.40pm by the hospital when the 37-year-old man who had been admitted to St. Thomas’ Hospital died there after being admitted. This follows an incident where three men died at the same sauna in 2012.

Yes, it goes without saying that had the man not been at the sauna, he might have overdosed anyway. Or, not having anywhere to go that was open 24 hours offering sleazy sex, he might have gone home. It’s impossible to tell, and it always will be. But the question remains, what are we going to do about this? We can’t seriously keep turning a blind eye when people are dying like this. It’s not normal! I’ve mentioned this before, but saunas aren’t nightclubs – they don’t come with security and medic rooms. Of course the saunas aren’t to blame for each individuals drug consumption, but they are a gateway to them. They do provide a place for people to do them. Are people really any safer here than at chill outs or sex parties? It certainly wouldn’t seem so.

Weigh in below…

The post The Sauna Debate Continues As Another Man Dies In Pleasuredrome appeared first on Cocktails & Cocktalk.

The before and after shots from Ru Paul’s Drag Race show you just some of the sickening transformations you can do with make up.But now your favourite male celebrities are serving beat drag realness, thanks to blogger Christopher McParlan and his Celebrities As Drag Queens blog, who is – naturally – a fan of RPDR. We’re loving these ones from the site (especially Jay Z and Ryan Gosling), we’d love to see this done on anti-gay protesters and notorious homophobes, HI PUTIN!

[H/T: NewNowNext]

The post Celebrities As Drag Queens Is Our Latest Tumblr Obsession appeared first on Cocktails & Cocktalk.

One minute you’re the lead role on the world’s number one cult TV show, the next minute you’re “rapping” as Cinderella for a YouTube video. What happened SMG?! BUT, suffice to say, this did give us a few lols. The viral starts awfully cringe-worthy, but gets better as it goes along – if it had been two and a half minutes of FULL BLOWN shade (and she knew how to throw it without looking so white) we’d have fallen in love with her all over again. Whitney Avalon as Belle schools like a professor when she floors SMG with the zinger ’bout ball-choking.

P.S. What’s with the ill-fitting dresses y’all?

P.P.S. It’s funnier if you watch it stoned.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VeZXQf77hhk&t=162

The post Sarah Michelle Gellar In Princess Rap Battle Is The Best/Worst Thing You’ll See Today appeared first on Cocktails & Cocktalk.

Chris Salvatore is an American gay-activist, actor and singer. You’d think with so many projects that you’d know who he was by now! But hey, at least you have ambition even if you are a jack of all trades, master of none. Truth is, you’re hot and look good naked we suggest making naked virals, Michael Hoffman style. Plus we’re not sure posing in those NoH8 compaigns counts as activism. But hey, points for pluck. And nudity.

Thanks OMGBlog!

The post MAN CANDY: Chris Salvatore Naked & Sultry [NSFW] appeared first on Cocktails & Cocktalk.

Leading LGBT and domestic abuse charity, Broken Rainbow have got a bit of a helping hand (and cock) from King’s College Rugby Team who’ve thrown caution to the wind and their kit on the pavement. But these boys weren’t hiding away in no studio, or fields of corn – they were getting nekkid all around their University campus. Now that takes balls, especially in the cold. Imagine the man you want looking out his classroom window at your chipolata, and you’re all like ‘Nah bruh, it’s freezin’ out here, swear!’

All proceeds go to the charity, and you can buy yo’s here. Broken Rainbow said “We have many young LGBT callers and we hope that by buying the calendar, students will become aware of the issue and that our helpline is there for them if ever they, or someone they know, need it”.

Head of the rugby team, Barney Lynock said he hoped it help towards tackling homophobia in sport, also.

Living for the queen in the bow tie who looks like she’s about start leaking from her under-carriage.

[H/T: Gay Star News]

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The new season coming to FOX this Autumn, from Ryan Murphy (Nip/Tuck, GLEE and American Horror Story) – titled Scream Queens has dropped it’s first proper teaser, and it’s safe to say that 20 seconds is just not enough. Emma Roberts has been giving us life since Madison Montgomery rocked up to the Coven and started shagging everything in site. And we can’t wait to see her slay on every front with this role. No doubt bubbles won’t be the only thing she’s blowing – yes, we’re talking about hot fraternity dick.

Check out the trailer:

The show will also star Lea Michelle and Jamie Lee Curtis. Anybody else you’d love to see on the cast list?

The post The First ‘Scream Queens’ Trailer Is Here… And We’re Gagging For More appeared first on Cocktails & Cocktalk.

Visible Penis Line is a serious issue. As anyone who follows a thirsty queen on Instagram will know. Guys in underwear can be really sexy, but sometimes there’s such a thing as too much. We shouldn’t be able to tell if you’ve been circumsized through your panties. So underwear model Max Emerson demonstrates how to get rid of it, with the help of a trashy drag queen of course. Willam clearly drew the long straw (so to speak) with this job. We need her agent.

Thank God for this instructional, it really is an epidemic.

One criticism though, needs more self-promotion.

[H/T: Next Magazine]

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It’s a question that has long puzzled theorists, as no one answer is ever the same. For myself, it started when I first saw The Little Mermaid, and thought come on, someone needs to teach the bitch how to seduce a man properly. But it was confirmed when I discovered how well glitter went with my complexion. Then I switched back for a little bit because I got bitch-slapped by a drag queen. But changed again because I’d already booked tickets for Gran Canaria Pride. I think I might chose lesbianism next, I hear the mullet is coming back. 

Check out how when some of these other people chose to be gay, in this video from Funny Or Die:

http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/82d1069772/gay-people-tell-use-when-they-chose-to-be-gay

When did you decide?

The post When Did You Chose To Be Gay? [Video] appeared first on Cocktails & Cocktalk.

“Remember that time when Orlando Bloom and David Walliams kissed?” is actually something that we’ll be able to say. Like, what? But it wasn’t one of Walliams flamboyant sketches, but rather a stint for Comic Relief. Now, see if you replaced David Walliams with Jake Gyllenhaal, then it would’ve been kinda hot. But I ‘spose the starving kids across the world aren’t really fussed about wank bank material. Davina McCall looked like she was about to shove her hand up her chuff and started flickin’ tha bean right there. Gwan McCall, give it little flick woman.

The post Orlando Bloom Lip-Locks With David Walliams [Video] appeared first on Cocktails & Cocktalk.

Dear Mum,

It’s weird how you can go years being accustomed to somebody not being there. Somebody who should be there. Somebody who should actually be the light of your life. And then, one day I hear your song, Motown’s My Girl on the radio, and suddenly I can’t breathe. Suddenly I’m overcome with emotion because of all the times I would have given everything I have in the world, just for a hug from my mum. Because of all the times I just needed a little bit of advice, about whichever boy had pissed me off that week. Because of all the times I would have loved to introduce you to my friends, and have them say “I love your mum!” Because of all the times I’ve wanted to pamper you on Mother’s Day, and now the best I can do is a letter that I’ll never get a reply to.

But mainly because of all the moments to come that we won’t ever be able to share. Of course, I believe that you’re still very much a part of my life, regardless of whether I can see or hear you, but knowing that you won’t be sitting in the front row at my wedding, breaks my heart. Thankfully you left me with a strong, smart and loving family who make that void I’ve become so accustomed to, less painful. But even though you’re not standing in front of me to give me a tongue-lashing for neglecting my blog because I was off my tits at a chill out, I have no doubt that you’re keeping an eye over me.

Like the time I got stuck going to the Attitude Awards on my own, and I bumped into someone I knew before I even got inside. Or when I was scared that I was making a bad decision, getting involved with the wrong boy, and I prayed for you to get me out of it, and suddenly I never heard from him again. Or when I was desperate to change my way of life and you gave me the courage to take a leap of faith and follow my dreams – even though I won’t be able to say ‘thank you’ when I fulfil them.

I’d never felt the urge to write to you before. But as I’m starting to grow up (finally), I’ve realised how much harder life can be when you’re not there. So, I guess this is my thank you letter. Thank you for being my mum, from wherever you are. Thank you for giving me more strength than I ever knew I had. And thank you for being my Guardian Angel.

Happy Mother’s Day.

X

Regardless of whether your mum is here or has passed, let’s raise a cocktail to the fierce bitches that birthed us. 

The post An Open Letter To The Mum I Lost Too Soon appeared first on Cocktails & Cocktalk.

The new season of American Horror Story will see one of our most-loved actors leaving… for good! Jessica Lange has said that she’s “done” with the AHS franchise. And while her statement was polite enough, we can’t help but feel an undercurrent of shade. The actress – who has appeared in all four seasons so far – said: “We’ve had a great run here. I mean, I have absolutely loved doing these four characters that I’ve had the opportunity to play. And in all the madness, I’ve loved my writers and the actors and Ryan and the whole insanity of it… but yes, I’m done.”

She mentions both ‘madness’ and ‘insanity’ which could suggest that the sets of AHS were a little disorganised. She seems like the utmost professional, and Ryan Murphy seems like a busy guy with projects flying all over the place, so is it possible that it was just a bit too much agg for someone of Jessica’s age/stature? Maybe she just saw it as a sinking ship after the entire waste that was Freakshow. If he scrapes his shit together we reckon she’ll come back in a couple years.

We’re just speculating by the way! But damn, will it EVER be the same without Miss Lange?! We know one thing’s for sure, that show needs a feisty female in it’s central focus – so we suggest you get Angela Bassett on the phone until you line-up someone else.

In other news, Matt Bomer is set to return for Season 5, claiming that he only “dipped a toe” into the craziness of Freakshow, and is now ready to “jump in the deep end” – as Lady Gaga’s love interest. OK, that’s intriguing! Sexy Hollywood star (and fellow homo) Cheyenne Jackson will also star in an unrevealed role. Because Murphy has to have at least one gay star. How long until he calls Jack Falahee? (Not too long, hopefully).

Who else would we like to see star? Viola Davis (How To Get Away With Murder), wouldn’t be a bad choice to fill Lange’s shoes. Get Mila Kunis in there to ramp it up a bit. Or Elijah Wood as the strange bell boy.

Sound off below.

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