Most of the time, until you get the bloke naked and start fornicating, you don’t know if the sex is gonna be any good or not – unless the sexual tension is literally about to explode like a gunky cumshot. BUT, there are some men that are will quite possibly leave you deflated (excuse the pun). We’ve devised a list to save you some time, regret, energy and semen. Obviously, I’ve only ever slept with four people, so had to do some research…
1. The ‘Straight’ Gay Guy
Sorry guys, yes, it’s a horny thought, but does the fantasy outweigh the straggly pubes, (excessively) dirty poop chute and toothy-blowjob? No. It’s bad enough going to work the next day with three different club stamps imprinted on your forearm, let alone fingers that smell like decaying colon and a shaft that looks like it’s been chewed by a plague of hungry rats.
2. The Guy That Rejected You Once Before
It’s a tale as old as time. Boy likes boy. Buffer boy rejects boy. Burnt boy gets buff. Buff boy comes running back. Oh honey, keep running. And don’t slow down for speeding cars. It’s like Marilyn Monroe once said, “if you can’t handle me at my Gran Canaria Pride 2009, you certainly don’t deserve me at my LA 2015”. By having sex with this vermin, you’re only feeding the ego that scarred you into that excessive gym routine to start with. Pass him on; the moment – like his hairline – has passed.
3. The Mis-Matched Couple
Threesomes are hot. Even if you only really fancy one of them. One attractive guy, two penises; things could be worse, right? Well, there is that point when you do have to stop just fooling around with the 8, and show the 4 some sort of thinly veiled interest; i.e. frantically flopping your knob around like an odd shoe lace, trying to keep it hard. It’s like taking out the final two slices of bread and realising that one of them’s mouldy; but you really want a sandwich. *Rolls eyes*.
4. The Guy That Trains At Your Gym
Oh sure, it’s all fun and games when you’re pressed up against his pecs, practising your squats on his dick – but who’s left red-faced after you farted mid-rimming, and now have to make small talk in the changing room.
“Weather’s a bit shit, ain’t it?”
“Yeah… Real windy…”
*Awaits immediate apocalypse*.
5. The Guy Who’s ALWAYS On The Hook-Up Hype
Believe us, there’s a reason that little green icon is permanently present next to “Looking for now”. He’s already slept with everyone in the area, and cruises 24/7 for a fresh soul to suck… via their dick. Why else does he have every slut app under the sun? If, for whatever reason (uncontrollable horn/high af), you do decide to meet up with him, don’t be surprised if his hole looks like a wet scrunchie and feels like slinging a chipolata in a bag for life. Throwing you out after the persistent jingle of the Grindr alert is also a possibility.
6. The Guy You’ve Always Wanted To Sleep With
They say you should never meet your heroes… Well, guess what? You should never fuck them either. OK, so he may not be a hero, but your level of thirst for his jizz on your face, is on par with Ryan Phillipe’s. Unfortunately, what you build-up mentally to be hot, passionate, animalistic sex will probably end up as a nasty case of whiplash and a pillow case with skid marks. Either that, or it will be everything you’ve ever (wet) dreamed of, and you’ll be leaving 43 messages a day on his answering machine while he pursues your best friend on social media.
7. The One That Likes You Way More Than You Like Him
Sure, you may think that a sympathy shag is doing your little bit for charity, while dusting out those cobwebs under your foreskin (ain’t nobody like a dry spell, babes), but you need to see further than your bell-end. Next thing you know, he’s standing outside your window in the pouring rain, craddling ten quids worth of carnations he bought at the Shell garage, belting out Erasure via a crackly karaoke machine. Erm, “SECURITTYY!”
Think before you toss that lap dog a bone. And it works both ways, sleeping with someone that you secretly have feelings for will only lead to you over-analysing their every move: What did that text mean? Was that sneeze a subliminal message of his love for me? Who’s this guy called ‘Dad’ blowing up his phone?!
8. The Virgin
Unless you’re in love with the boy, and intend on a relationship (or showing him a guaranteed good time), don’t do it. As much as the idea of pushing your dick into an orifice tighter than camel’s clunge in a sandstorm turns you on, keep in mind that it’s an experience he’ll remember. Fucking him on a tatty mattress in your parent’s spare room, beneath a giant Breakfast At Tiffany’s poster, and sending him on his way to the bus stop is instant bad karma.
9. The One You’re Not Compatible With
It can be tempting to overlook someone else’s sexual preference, but it doesn’t matter how attractive he is, a pretty smile won’t pound your prostate. And two bottoms scissoring is just as bleak as two total tops pretending they’re too butch to bend over. But this extends beyond the persuasion of pleasure; if he’s been sober for four years, turning up high af will go down like a plate of lukewarm vomit. Similarly, shagging someone blackout drunk when you’re not, will result in slurred dirty talk, sloppy kisses and possibly a concussion.
10. The Guy You Work With
Similar to the guy from your gym, it’s about mixing pleasure and painful run-ins. Who doesn’t like the thought of potentially getting caught with their co-workers genitals in their mouth in the stationary cupboard? But after you’ve cleaned your wad off the stapler and refiled your dignity, every working day that follows is filled with a ‘so yeah, we got thrusty’ awkwardness. Unless you get fired of course. Or better yet, get obliterated on Bailey’s at the Christmas party, throw yourself at him under the mistletoe, before pouring your heart out while your boss massacres Mariah Carey.